Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you inspire me to be a worse person
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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