It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
