I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
