Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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