Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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