Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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