I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
