i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
