one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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