Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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