Someone shit on the floor
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
