I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
