Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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