She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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