I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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