I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
