someone get that fucking seahorse.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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