dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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