PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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