I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
