her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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