my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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