I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
