with your own penis?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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