i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
