Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
