I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?