no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
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Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.