he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep