i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave