Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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