Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
