I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
