he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
