Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need water and some morals
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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