I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
