I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
