Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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