I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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