I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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