Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
