Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
