She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
