Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
