Small penises have feelings too.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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