Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
