just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
