im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize