you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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