first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
