I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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