my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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