Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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