Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I want to walk on stilts...naked
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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