I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
