Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
