I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Never underestimate the power of titties
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
