i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
